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[11 May 2012|02:13am] |
Everybody is raving about The Avengers now, but a happy coincidence led me to watch another film where Jeremy Renner has a bigger role. It might be a little late for me to watch this but with me good things never go stale. I'd expect many to roll their eyes at reviews of such "war movies": men are just sappy in this way dreaming about the manly stuff that they never could do.
And to a certain degree, I do agree. I do realize that the reason why I am so drawn to movies like these probably has something to do with how I feel like I need to see something that can inspire me, that can make me want to do something to prove myself, that can make me understand what it's like to be physical, even to be primal or base. There's something in being physically tough as nails that calls out to the inner beast, as much as we now try to act like civilized pansies extolling the supremacy of knowledge and money. Whether it's right or wrong, in each man's heart, some part of him measures his manliness by how physically tough he is.
And that is him seeking validation. That is him seeking to show himself and the entire world that he is superior to other men, to women, to animals, to whoever he wants to dominate. In controlled, measured amounts, this desire to dominate is deemed by the world as a good quality: we tend to call it leadership. A platoon commander who finds the need to lead those under him, a husband who wants to take charge of his family, or a tamer of wild beasts. The feminist here takes great offence; I am merely revealing what some of us men think, and not placing a judgement on it. And yeah, well, such measured amounts are desirable and good, and help society to function. But when it goes beyond a certain limit and a man feels the need to validate himself and dominate because he can or has no other way to prove himself, he commits a grave error. Leadership becomes tyranny and husbandry becomes abuse.
I digress. What I mean to do is to try to explain one possibility why us testosterones are drawn to soldiering. Yet movies like these have a sombrous effect precisely because they fall short of these expectations. Sure, they show how proficient soldiers are in their duties, and this proficiency naturally leads to dominance over the enemy. But more often than not we are more struck by the real struggles that tear at the individual's mind and soul. If you want to feel good over triumphant victories, go watch a movie like The Avengers. If, instead, you want to consider the seeming meaninglessness of war, choose something more realistic.
Death is never as dramatic as Agent Coulson's in The Avengers. One shot to the head or to the neck and the soldier beside you drops silently. You have no time to think or mourn or scream no! like Obi-Wan Kenobi because you just need to survive first. It's never easy to justify right against wrong when you're firing at a man who is just your age and who has the same people waiting for him back home. It tears you up to follow the orders of a superior who tells you to abandon a life for the greater utilitarian good. It tears you up even more when you are the superior and you know you should give that order. Such postponement of bereavement and abandonment of moral considerations (not morals) leaves one numbingly nihilistic. Worse still, all war can be traced to selfish territorial ambition at the cost of others. With this knowledge, how is it possible for someone to completely justify his involvement in war? Surely there is no man like Captain America!
To me, the most valuable questions in life are Why? and At What Cost? Unfortunately, they are also the most unanswered.
Answerable or not, such doubt should ultimately make us all the more grateful for peace that has been achieved, whether or not you can connect the dots in between. It's an innate mechanism within man to treasure something once we recognize the cost; you wouldn't take an IPhone and throw it on the ground Samberg-style. If anything, most of us have become so accustomed to peace that we forget the cost. Peace is our entitlement now. There is nothing left to fight for and knowledge and civilization will prevail. Violence is a thing of the past and the future lies in diplomatic talks and summits.
Simplifications borne of folly. We are forever at war, and we would do well not to forget that.
Now, drop all these down to the individual level, and consider the state of war within a man himself. The Average Joe believes he is at peace: after all, normalcy guarantees a comfortable home, a comfortable family, and a comfortable lifestyle. But to what end? And at what cost? Is his notion of peace engendered by society, or should peace be thought of at a more cosmological level? If we believe in a universal set of morals, then how is it that we fall short? And if we do fall short, does that not mean we are constantly warring against ourselves, trying to overcome what we know to be wrong to do what is right?
If we have established earlier that all war can be traced to selfish territorial ambition at the cost of others, when simplified at the individual level, does that not mean we do wrong because we worship ourselves? (Of course, it is dangerous to simplify similar analogies like this, but I find it makes sense nonetheless.) Does that not mean that no matter how hard we try, we are forever condemned?
One man offered a solution to overcome this war and to make peace. And again, if we have recognized that peace that overcomes war requires great cost, then the cost this man bore must have been severe. But it is magnified all the more when we consider how he declares that this peace is for the entire of mankind. Now, naturally, we start to doubt and we start to question, but if we pause for a moment, do not try to attempt connecting the dots (remember, questions remain unanswered), and continue this equation, it naturally means that the cost of this peace is multiplied beyond all measure.
And again, lest we get too accustomed to this peace and take it as an entitlement, we should all the more convince each other that we are forever at war. It's just that this time, this war is on the scale of the cosmos, and our souls are at stake.
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[09 May 2012|11:10pm] |
He pondered on Yong's question again. What should he do? Business? Computer studies? When he asked the career officer about anything to do with literature, she laughed.
"This is not secondary school," she told him matter-of-factly. "We only deal with adult-oriented subjects."
- Heartland, Daren Shiau
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[30 Apr 2012|11:25pm] |
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It gives me great satisfaction to put down the pen for the last paper of the semester and know deep down in my heart that I have absolutely smashed it to smithereens. It's on the same level as making a block down low, the kind that sends the ball flying out of bounds. Speaking of which, the NBA playoffs are under way and it's feels like an absolute smasher too. I wasted half my mugging time watching videos of past playoffs and TSN SportsCenter highlights. More people need to find out about TSN I have never been so delighted to find anchormen doing deliberate comedy. Well, TNT doesn't count. Singapore is just too sterile. There is no coherence in this post, but I just wanted to announce that I have come to admit to myself that I am terrible at correspondence. More particularly, digital correspondence. SMS, email, Facebook, whatever. I just glance at new messages and I feel like I don't have any obligation to reply whatsoever since I obviously can get away with the excuse that I took a while to actually read it. I'm sure everyone's guilty of it, but I believe I picked it up ever since I realized Celene does it so often hahaha. The problem lies here. Because digital correspondence has become the main staple for conversations nowadays (sadly, even replacing physical contact), I have become quite inadequate in the art. I have become the Mr. Bennett of our time, the eccentric recluse who sticks in his library.
Or maybe I'm just making excuses. But now at least you know that if I seem to be ignoring you, it's not just you.
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[22 Apr 2012|10:37pm] |
The keypad is faster than the pen.
But boy is it full of crap. The entire week's hot topics on the web has been testament to the basest levels of stupidity that we have plunged into.
The fact that news about how 44 men had sex with an underaged prostitute made the headlines simply shows how hungry the public is for any scandal. Granted, there is a cause to worry about the moral fibre of some prominent men in society. But this is definitely not what fuels the media's obsession with sensational news. My friend pravind puts it too well in his kind review of the Temasek Times' coverage: "Seriously, I wouldn't even want to dignify the temasek times with a 'share',but seriously look at this thumbnail. It is completely unrelated to the story and is just an example of the sensationalist bullshit churned out by this rag. Just to put it in perspective, the woman in the picture has not slept with a school principal. Just saying." This is the link he was referring to.
PTE Lee Rui Feng Dominique Sarron passed away in an exercise this week. Without fear or consideration for the consequences, two Singaporean ladies decided to label our men as weak and foolish for expecting any appreciation for our time spent in National Service. Now, I am not making a case for the boys who expect such appreciation or angrily demand that these girls serve NS before they rattle off their loose cannons, since their incensed reactions are somewhat over the top when you consider how many fools shoot their mouths off on the internet. I share their sentiment, though, in wondering how brazen these girls can get. Do they have mee sua for brains? Are they trying to prove that they have absolutely no regard for the consequences of their actions? In my opinion, there are few things that trump stupidity, and irresponsibility and cluelessness about the expense of one's actions fits the bill.
As if we didn't have enough trash, another idiot pops up today claiming to be fully qualified in classifying 90% of our educated population as having no more intelligence than amoebas. Okay fine, I am being a hypocrite here by putting words into his mouth for the sake of humour, I admit it. Click here for a proper quote. Whatever optimism I have cries out in hope that this person is trying to achieve offensive humour on the level of The Onion, but sadly the real me knows otherwise. For greater effect and irony, I have even included the Temasek Times' coverage of it here.
Of course, I hope you have detected yet another layer of hypocrisy and irony in the fact that I am writing about this online as well. Nevertheless, I am at your disposal for criticism, disapproval, and laughter just as these wonderful people have been for me.
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[27 Mar 2012|03:44pm] |
For a 22-year old pup with absolutely no world experience, academic achievement, and position in society, who speaks little, and has few solid personal relationships, it probably is quite impertinent of me to write my mind and pass judgement so often on many things I see. I must admit that the desire to entertain sometimes includes major bouts of brash banter, which is very easily misconstrued. But the beauty of youth (whatever vestiges remain in my case) is that you're allowed to make as many mistakes as you want before they actually matter, and I think this accounts for the inexplicable confidence that comes with being in your 20s (and invincible). Coupled with the ease of stealth made available by technology, I am more liable to narrate unfettered right here.
Of course, to live unbridled would be a costly mistake if there are severe repercussions, and that's why two considerations should come into play when thinking out loud: whether it will actually hurt anyone (including oneself and one's relations) and whether what one is saying is actually true. The latter is obviously ignored more often than the former.
I do not want to engage in discourse about what is absolute truth and whether there is such a thing: this is not the arena and frankly, I am not qualified to give my thoughts since I am strongly biased against relativism. Whatever the case, it seems that the academic rigour that our educators try to ingrain in us time and again is largely absent, and especially unsurprisingly so in social media, thanks to the very same stealth I owe my impertinence to. People tend to run around forums, facebook, and similar ilk picking up on strains of opinion, and not fact, and then make sweeping comments on what they believe to be true. And often, there is no basis to what they say, save for some obscure excuse like oh this writer heard and wrote on this and that. There is no consideration of underlying issues and factors, since words and statistics are more than enough for everyone to come to an objective conclusion of the truth. There is no leeway given for the positive history of individuals and organizations, since it's so much more exciting to point fingers and blame the apparent perpetrators. But perhaps the most deadly is how there is no consistency in living one's life out according to the implications of what one says.
Consider Sun Xu, the Campus Crusade furore, SMRT, the PAP, or even Obama. Consider the responses to each of these issues. And finally, consider how one can be influenced by such "objective responses" to develop similar opinions.
And people wonder why I choose to remain silent.
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| On the other street I knew stood a girl that looked like you |
[16 Mar 2012|09:45pm] |
Productive, productive. Managed to meet giraffe, cherylteo, nigelyeo, syafiq, justinwong, yenberg, and eileenho in the last three days. Comfort in familiarity.
Watched Art X War today, and am blown away by so much that I do not know. What is taught in JC history does zero justice to Japan's story over the previous century. And the art! I never imagined that the art would be so... sublime. The photography too. This has truly inspired me. I thoroughly enjoy this class about the history of modern Japan, so much that I am tempted to read more of similar modules in the future.
On a parting note, I truly believe that I am not the only one in Singapore who believes there might be foul play involved in SMRT's woes.
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[14 Mar 2012|06:22pm] |
I have concluded that making myself stay in school to study works. This would never have worked previously because there was always the allure of the basketball courts looming at the back of my head when I was in RJ. Now, however, the sad dearth of company forces me to find companionship with my highlighters instead.
I would like to say something about Adele's Rumor Has It. It is definitely laudable for it's musical qualities and I like it as a catchy song, but honestly I am irritated by the way she sings "Just cause I said it don't mean that I mean it" as if she is perfectly justified when her man misunderstands her. Honestly, woman, please do not blame a man for taking your word for it and continuing to assert that it's just your nature to say what you do not mean. I similarly tire of these sappy posters being thrown around on facebook claiming how a good boyfriend needs to understand that a girl doesn't mean what she says. Whose fault is it? It is one thing for someone to understand your silence, and it is another for someone to know when you are lying. I am not saying that I am not guilty of saying what I do not mean, but I don't think it's right to justify it. People tend to take what they hear from a singer with 6 Grammy Awards at face value and accept it, or worse still, believe in it.
The simplest solution here would be to just remain silent instead of saying something you want the other person to decipher.
"We are never half so interesting when we have learned that language is given us to enable us to conceal our thoughts."
- L.M. Montgomery's Anne of Green Gables
I heard the most ridiculous thing the other day: "I can't understand boys. They are way more complicated than girls." If anyone has read this to the end and concluded that I am bashing women, I fear for their comprehension skills.
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| SO LET'S SET THE WORLD ON FIRE WE CAN BURN BRIGHTER THAN THE SUN |
[14 Mar 2012|12:08am] |
I remember back when I was a kid, I was watching Inuyasha. And I was completely mesmerized by one of the ending songs, Fukai Mori. I don't often use the word mesmerizing to describe a song, but this was it. I was hung up on the guitar intro, the bass, the flute, the harmonizing, and also wondering at the very same time what the heck Do As Infinity was supposed to mean. Many years later, I still do not know.
I really like this song.
In other news, I am loving how Kevin Love and Nikola Pekovic are just destroying the paint.
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[11 Mar 2012|03:12am] |
As with any other day, today was filled with reading, conversation, learning, humbling, laughing, and thinking. There is really a lot to be thankful for even when I am living my life day by day. This autofill function is quite incredible. One of the many things in life that I have been unable to begin to fathom is how pure, beautiful, and admirable things can enter my world so easily without me asking for it. Unfortunately, I am often too shy or embarrassed to identify such things plainly and consider further who I should attribute them to.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
After a day spent with my OCIP team settling the safety stores and getting sunburnt playing Captain's Ball, I had the happy opportunity to take a bus ride and have an honest, real conversation with a friend that I have not really taken the effort to know until now. Settling back into the sponge-mode that I used to be so comfortable with, I absorbed whatever he felt eager to share.
It seems like one particularly flawed characteristic that us boys have before we grow up is the inability to follow through with actions that appear to us embarrassing. Now, there are two types of embarrassing actions: those that are immature and plain stupid, and those that we are reluctant to do because of our pride in wanting to maintain a disposition in front of others that has been painstakingly built up over the years. I am writing about the latter. Far too often we refuse to do the right thing because we deem it embarrassing: saying sorry, telling the truth, following through after telling a girl about your feelings, and making the effort to maintain the friendship should rejection take place. If we are honest with ourselves, sometimes doing what is embarrassing means becoming a real man.
We choose to take the easier path, and then we wallow in self-pity claiming that we are in the right, we are striving to maintain the status quo, or we are by nature shy creatures. Nothing but excuses from our lack of balls, which is masked by our immense self-worth. Hearing this friend out really pointed to me how similarly cowardly and arrogant I am at times, and yet this time was a bit of a change. Becoming a huge sponge full of water is good and all, but it's worthless if the water doesn't go anywhere, and so I hope he eventually does what he himself knows himself is right.
Which reminds me that meeting up with borray yesterday was refreshing too. Another good, honest discussion about our lives and the basic question the entire human race is trying to answer. What are we really here for anyway? However, I shall not allow this post to degenerate into existential arguments. All I want to say is that I am really happy for him. Finally, things are looking up for him, and I believe motivation and excitement is on his side right now. It never matters how long you take to reach the destination, as long as you make it there.
Also, the most common conversation topic that all boys share has now been finally been made accessible between me and my brother. I spent the good time of the evening talking to him about BMT and everything that all you girls are sick of hearing time and again. I am pleased. It seems that the opportunity to finally rebuild walls has presented itself clearly, and I would be an ass not to take it. I have high hopes for him. No matter what any authority or piece of paper says, he is a Ngiam, and that means substance. I have never fully expressed it to him but he has always been full of potential far greater than I have, and I continue to pray that he will be used incredibly without limit in his life. I am proud of my brother.
The rest of the evening was filled with good conversation. A short talk with deborahyap is always educational, and tonight was no exception. The audacity to speak her mind might turn other opinionated people off, but beneath the rough veneer you uncover the gems of good sense and a genuine concern for people. I am sure we provided amusing entertainment for wongyann. Muriel and shermaine also tried to educate me on my colourblindness, or rather, my inability to take proper notice of colours (or details, for that matter), and concluded that boys are failures. I wrapped things up on the way home with a retiree who had been involved in the commercial sector, and fuelled the conversation by asking him for advice, his life experiences, and his opinions on Hougang, NS, and elite students. You can never fail to keep them talking if you show the desire to listen to their views.
Finally, for those who have never read a manga before, consider Bakuman after you ever have the chance to read one or two series. Written and drawn by the very same people for Death Note, it is a masterpiece. I am blown away by how they dare to take something as mundane as the process of making manga and challenge readers who read it. It is at the zenith of metafiction, or maybe I should call it metamanga: the self-reflexivity within Bakuman enables the reader to profoundly understand the process of writing their previous masterpiece Death Note, and if the semi-autobiographical nature of Bakuman is to be believed, their rich experience and talent serves to weave this self-reflexivity perfectly into a shounen manga that continues to draw the reader in with its art. Utterly amazing.
Do not scoff at comics: in my opinion, this is a far better piece of work than other metafictive literature like Spark's Loitering With Intent. If you refuse to believe me, continue to pick up any volume of Calvin and Hobbes. If you still cannot find an ounce of sophistication within, I believe that the Sciences might be a better discipline for you after all.
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[09 Mar 2012|11:03pm] |
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Today I wrote and submitted the worst essay ever. It's so disgusting I shudder to think what grade I will get.
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[06 Mar 2012|10:32pm] |
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It's been a good day. Hitting the weights in the morning with the Fountain of Happiness and meeting Kevin Mark Lee there. Having another good lesson about the History of Buddhism in Vietnam. Chilling at the usual booth with the OCIP jokers. Lunch with sarahchan finding out about opportunities with AP and Asiamag. More chilling at the booth. Met the Assistant Dean supervising our project for the very first time. But best of all, hitting the NUS courts and doing what we do best, even if there are only three of us. I was marking this man around my size and struck up a conversation with him afterward. Apparently he was neither student nor staff, but was just driving by, saw the courts, whipped out his gear all ready in the car, and went to play. Born in China, raised in Australia, moved to Singapore, has his businesses in Indonesia and India, and travels back and forth by ferry daily. Surprisingly, he tells me he finds Singapore the best place to live and work in among all these countries, even going as far as to say that besides the lack of a rich hinterland and property prices, Singapore trumps the rest in all aspects. Asked him about the stress levels and work ethic and he found it to be a necessary sacrifice if you want to enjoy what Singapore can offer. He added, though, that Australia would probably be a far better option to retire. I suppose it's always helpful to hear opinions from foreigners and appreciate what we have more. Most of the headliners from the past few months have done nothing but to slam the poor state our country is in, pointing fingers all the time. We have a lot, people, you just have to find out. At the same time, this is one of the increasing indicators for me to pick Indonesia. Evelyntan who's taking it now tells me they have fantastic elective projects within the module like playing the angklung. I like the sound of that. Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
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[05 Mar 2012|02:51am] |
I am 22!
Originally I thought to go to sleep and wake up early for to do some readings, but thoughts of making myself master the left hand layup just kept me awake. I have had many similar sleepless nights feeling frustrated about my failure to master the left hand, and when you can't fight insomnia, you get up and get back on the computer to watch NBA videos. Fortunately for me, if I hadn't got up and checked my syllabus, I wouldn't have realized that there wasn't a tutorial in the morning and so saved myself both the waking up and the completion of the reading. Unfortunately, I also received a lower grade this week for my weekly reflection. You win some, you lose some.
There have been certain amendments (as always) to my plans for the rest of the year. The Vietnam trip in May is still going to take place, and I am steadily growing more excited about it. However, I decided not to take Summer School during June and spend it on going to Church Camp and Arts Camp instead, upon valued advice that I should be trying to have more social interaction in the Church and in NUS before it's too late. Summer School (and Cambodia and Laos) will be reserved for 2013. July will be less packed, but I will still most likely be heading for a small missions trip for exposure purposes. Depending on scheduling and whether funds are available, if my bud jacky does decide to take her biking trip up North to Southeast Asia, I might try to do so in anticipation of a full tour of the region in the following years. And finally, if funds have still not been squeezed dry, a leisure trip to Bangkok with friends before the next semester begins is in order. Another trip with my family to motherland Hainan will be in late November/December.
Much to look forward to. Although these alterations have dashed my hopes for a maximum coverage of Southeast Asia in 2012, they still satisfy me immensely. A while back I made a decision to diversify my growth in university by semesters, and I'm a bit disappointed that I did not realize the importance of this earlier. From now on, each semester will hence be characterized by a different focus of interest on top of the core responsibilities of studies and the pursuit of understanding the Word. Moving beyond the wasted first semester, this current one is shaped around the OCIP trip to Vietnam, developing the NS Ministry, writing for a publication in school (Mnemozine), and drawing up a plan for the next few years. I have submitted an application to stay in hall: if things go well, the next semester will be spent on trying to get into the hall team for basketball and perhaps participating in other activities if I can manage myself well, such as Muay Thai with chinks. Sports and little else. I am excited.
Of course, opportunity costs are steadily becoming obvious. I made the decision to forgo applying for internships with SPH and others for these plans, and I hope it isn't a mistake. I tried to soften the blow by joining Mnemozine for the long term, and I hope that my academic writing and exposure can only improve from here. Income wise, I have committed to helping out part time at a tuition centre for my afternoons (which are relatively free) for the rest of the year, largely because there is much flexibility in the working hours, and the owner's long term plans for alternative education intrigue me. Though I'm not expecting as steady an income as when I was an officer, it should suffice. The opp cost, then, is the ridiculous lavish splurging on meals that has been taking place ever since NS started. No issue with that: I desperately need to learn how to be frugal for my own sake, and my health should take a better turn too. And honestly, I should never lose contact with friends just because I am unable to meet up with them over expensive meals.
I have also decided to take a double major for History and Southeast Asian studies. Since some mastery of a regional language is required for the latter, I had been contemplating between Vietnamese and Bahasa Indonesia for quite some time. Besides superficial considerations of whether the language will be easy to learn or applicable in Singapore, I have actually been thinking of picking up a language with the long-term goal of working and living in that specific country after I graduate, instead of taking the usual path of staying at home. I can see three possible careers: education, journalism, or, if I really summon the courage to enter into the private sector with a Bachelor of Arts, to explore the possibility of agriculture. That makes things difficult because from what little I know, both countries are steadily developing at an exponential rate, and the markets for all three careers will definitely grow with the accompanying rise of an educated middle class and the growing population's need for food. I have been asking around for advice on this, and opinions are divided. If both countries are similar in terms of my potential for marketability, then it'll boil down to differences in culture and lifestyle and I will have to decide based on these added considerations. As of now I am leaning towards Indonesia, but I'm hoping that someone will read this and offer me some advice that I have not heard before. Again, opportunity cost rears its ugly head.
I feel that I am forgetting something here, and I readily confess that I have been unable to prioritize the pursuit of God in these considerations so far. Nevertheless, I have considered the possibility of a tent-making ministry in a career overseas, and I hope wiser people can advise me on this as well. It is definitely not impossible, and I will be continuing to try to get experience through trips around the region like this OCIP and trying to find and learn from older men who have taken this path as well.
Some other plans I have in mind: applying for a student exchange programme overseas for the first half of next year. The current selection is rather limited though, and it might be wiser after all to wait for another semester, since NUS requires its students to apply for an exchange one year in advance. Also, to begin reading more about the region and critically consider what developments will take place in the near future. Everyone is raving about Myanmar's potential to surge forward in the near future, but are these predictions completely justified and will things really go as planned? All I know is yelin is definitely excited about the possibilities, and already he is confident of doing well when he goes home.
Before anyone accuses me of being overly ambitious, I would ask them to take a step back and observe my plans once more. I do not think that I am taking on too much in too short a time, but rather scheduling individual pursuits over an extended period of time. Of course, if my folly is exposed I will make the necessary amendments: after all, Burns reminds us that the best made plans of mice and men often go awry. And this is a hard personal lesson I have gleaned from the past few years, after all my initial plans from JC were smashed to pieces and thrown into the gutter.
All these are but plans. Things may very well drastically change should my family require me to stay in Singapore with a stable income or should the appearance of an other half cripple these plans. Based on the happy context of being a (somewhat) independent single now, I have these plans, but will definitely be open to adapt. Because my plans are human. I am flawed. And the only one who truly has true sovereignty of the course of my life is not I, but my God. If He should destroy my carefully constructed future, who am I to feel indignant? If He should choose for me to live my life in (the world's opinion of) an unsatisfactory and impractical manner not fulfilling my potential, who am I to say that I know better? If He says to me, "Follow me!", who am I to say, "Wait, let me gaodim everything first"?
In fact, my "I"s should increasingly become the lower case, and the upper case "G"s should always take precedence. After all, upon self-examination, I really have nothing to boast of except my sin if it can point to my Lord.
I will make these plans, but I will change them if You so decide.
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[28 Feb 2012|12:16am] |
Okay enough of this nonsense lifestyle.
It's time to read, write, pray, talk, encourage, and be useful in society once again.
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[12 Feb 2012|11:20pm] |
This is one of the times where I have a lot to do and study, and so I retreat, thinking that it will get better if I handle it alone. There are inexplicable moments like now, though, when I just cannot bring myself to start on my work even though I've completely shut myself out from my friends, social media, and all other distractions. And so I find myself crawling back here to write about absolutely nothing at all.
Subtlety was never a strong trait of mine. I suppose the natural inclination for all of us at one point or another is to be rid of all irritants that do not make your life more meaningful. This cost-benefit analysis is shot down for being too cold and inhumane, but I don't think I misrepresent our true thoughts. I don't think we should be surprised by this. The understanding of our depraved nature should account clearly for our antisocial tendencies.
I am weak, and the fatigue that has built up from pointless and unfruitful social interaction has got to me the past few weeks. The usual counter is that I should hold agency in making the interaction fruitful, and not expect it. But honestly, I simply do not have the capability to right now. And if I were to continue this thread of honesty and self-centredness, I am sick of people who just do not care. And my tired mind goes, "Yes, yes I know you have your problems with your day and the way you may be unhappy with someone, something, or even me, but would it be too much to care about my life once in a while?" That is the degree of pride and selfishness that has penetrated the recesses of my soul, and I know that my worst moments come from such thoughts.
There is only One that I can turn to.
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[06 Feb 2012|12:19am] |
I am very pleased.
This past month has been a whirlwind of extreme highs and lows but at the start of February I can say that I am at peace with the world and am truly happy with the current equilibrium in my life. The inertia to pen my thoughts, though, is equal to that which prevents me from exercising regularly, and judging from my physical state now, you can pretty much tell what it's like.
As usual, the cheater's way to quickly recording one's life in a month lies in point form.
- Moved to my aunt's place in Bukit Batok since she has a spare room and it's nearer to school. Spending a lot of time now playing with the baby girls and walking the dog.
- A new commitment: OCIP in May is now taking up quite a bit of my time since quite a bit of work needs to be done on my part. Nevertheless, getting along pretty well with the team and really looking forward to the 2.5 week trip.
- Underwent the last cycle of heartache and conflict. Bitterness and sadness reigned for a while, but there's a finality about this time that allowed me to let those go quickly. I am thankful for boundless grace and faithful friends.
- Started an NS ministry this year getting all the guys together. My intention was to make it informal and real, and it's awesome that it's become so. Nevertheless, it's shouldn't and it won't be what I want it to be, but what He wants it to be. Despite the start of dwindling numbers, I am incredibly encouraged by the questions that the boys ask and the eagerness to examine the text shown by people like gid.
- Played ball for a few times. It's terrible how it's become irregular now, but as always, there is no feeling like getting back into the game. The knee is better, the mental reluctance to jump is subsiding, and the post game is getting better and better.
- Modules are converging again. I am amazed at how much overlaps across my modules, so much that I can't completely remember which module something I've learned is from. The content is incredibly appealing to me as well. I had the best tutorial in my entire NUS life on Friday: I had no qualms about engaging in the discussion because people weren't speaking for dumb class participation for once, the book we were discussing (A Discourse on Government by Three Drunkards by Nakae Chomin) is pretty damn awesome, and I'm finally meeting like-minded peers majoring in History. This is boding well indeed for my academic growth.
- Have started to speak to profs and seniors about the possibilities regarding my future. Am considering Southeast Asian Studies or Religious Studies on top of my History major, and it seems more and more likely that I will not be staying in Singapore after I graduate.
- Some events continue to point me to travelling around the region. I will be going to Vietnam in May, taking Summer School which includes trip to Laos and Cambodia in June and July, and Hainan in November. If I can plan it well, I hope to go to Jakarta/Bandung in December to visit my uncle as well.
That's pretty much it. My plan is to diversify what I do or learn for my time in NUS: each semester will have a different focus if possible. That might very well mean muay thai and IFG next sem.
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[09 Jan 2012|12:10am] |
I really liked this Pistons' lineup. And I really like it when Laurence Fishburne narrates NBA videos.
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[05 Jan 2012|02:46am] |
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This is my last night in Da Nang, Vietnam for a short recce trip for the FASS OCIP in May. Am I ever glad that I am here. It seems that every time I am away from Singapore, clarity accrues with the experience. And these four days with three other guys away from home, friends, school and even church have been deeply cathartic. I might even go to the extent to say that it gave me a chance to purge myself of unnecessary responsibility that I generally tend to pile up. It is particularly peculiar, since this is supposed to be a work related trip. My guess is that the opportunity presented to operate in a completely less pressure-cooker environment liberates me. Of course, it doesn't hurt that I am not the leader of this trip and thus the chance to slip into man-mode presents itself. Sure, I still perform my duties to the very best of my ability, but efficiency, details, and complete preparedness cease to be my top priority. Rather, basking in the company of the locals and the culture should. We set the standard for ourselves at the start when, following a delayed flight from Ho Chi Minh to Da Nang, we spent 10 hours ambling around comfortably in the streets, having coffee in Ben Thanh market (which isn't really that much of a big thing), sitting at the roadside ordering multiple plates of food we didn't even know the name of (all looking very dubious but tasty nonetheless), and just stoning staring at an old woman cut up parts of pigs for our food, a transvestite setting up tables for other customers, and pushy kid peddlers pestering Jordan to buy useless trinkets from them. And this pretty much set the tone for the rest of my trip. No tension whatsoever: it was going to be focused on seeing what the people and the place were like. The other two days in Da Nang included visits to the kindergartens in the rural slums and city area, orphanages in the countryside, and primary schools in the city, accompanied by Tri, Phuc, Hoang, and Vinh. These places and people all pointed to how chill their culture was, and how it is based on good relationships and a willingness to adapt or compromise according to others' wishes. And when one takes a step back, one knows and admits that our Singaporeans can be too
efficient, demanding, and have no room for error. What's even scarier is that we might very well equate compromise to error most of the time. Our free nights included walking around the crazy roads, eating bun cha ca (fishcake noodles), pho, lotteria chicken, roadside meatloafs, and many more. I unknowingly stumbled upon DIEN BIEN PHU (yes, hear the bell ringing all you history students) and learned how to properly pronounce it. I tried to find someone to challenge for Chinese Chess but ultimately failed. It was just so relaxed and awesome. I meant to write more about certain reflections on the bigger picture of my life, but I am ready to drop at any second so it shall be reserved for the next post. Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
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[24 Dec 2011|01:22am] |
Celene, Lorraine, Borray, and Weiyuan (hereafter referred to as The Gang) alerted me to the fact that Rurouni Kenshin is premiering as a movie in 2012. In one's mind, it's quite difficult to imagine it being anything short of horrible. Anime adaptations are pretty difficult. But surprisingly, it doesn't look half bad.
As you can imagine, I decided to reread the entire manga (all 250 chapters), since I've forgotten most of the plot after reading it years ago. And it's actually pretty damn awesome to read it in a new light after learning about the Bakumatsu and the Meiji era in my history module. This is why I don't understand why so many people dismiss history as boring. Maybe that's just a clever euphemism for "no future".
In other news, I need to say that my sources of media entertainment are complete once again. A whole slew of action movies in 2012, the revival of the NBA Season (THE CLIPPERS), manga getting slightly more interesting, and many others.
A short conversation with my dear princess Pachara Lawjindakul on Skype has made the past 10 minutes even more awesome. My life is blessed with too many fantastic people.
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| Can you imagine no first dance, freeze-dried romance, five-hour phone conversations? |
[23 Dec 2011|01:50am] |
Ah, to be a boy again! It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of the remnants of youth, must be in want of other boys' company.
Monday night: the first of many suppers with yijing this winter break comprised a bottle of Tiger (all him, none me), a double cheeseburger and apple pie from Mac's, a night drive all the way to Lornie, and through a cemetery where we felt like excited little kids on an adventure. Times are good when you got a bro with you who's as retarded and willing to do stupid things with you. And who also has a car. I must say we probably have a much better time than other people who get home at 230am as well.
One five-hour phone conversation later, I take a short nap and wake up to join the boys at NUS for some ball action. And even though the initial downpour threatened to dash our hopes, we persevered in waiting it out and played our hearts out. I believe I have made some progress in the low post: I have never been that effective down low against fuginn before. But in my opinion, the best person to post up against is yonghan, simply because he is so cushion-y. No offence yong.
The Tuesday followed with a short hour with muriel spent theorizing over gender differences at Rochester Starbucks, and then a trip home to Botak Jones since The Boys Are Back In Town (check the song out). Yijing, seanong, ali, and christian, and it just feels good to be back having suppers again. Sorry maolin, you'll have to wait till you're back (not like you're not having fun anyway). And even though the same nonsensical topics surface, it is all too apparent that there have been changes after a semester in university. Mein Kampf, Singaporean politics and transport, and the American economy dominated our conversation, and because I am not so well-read, I lap up such exchanges with glee. I'm fascinated by how we can mature in our conversations together, and how rare it is to have peers to discuss such matters with. After that, we made our customary trip to KAP for alcohol and sushi. Boys truly need other boys to have a good time sometimes.
Now, lest people suspect me of gay tendencies, I must declare that I have had social interactions with girls this week as well. Far too often I have been blamed for revelling in men's company and ignoring the women. Fellowship on Wednesday evening was one such example. I managed to invite shiwei along, and we had a great session considering how our testimonies as Christians should look like if we were to examine Paul's own. Once again, the key points of our self-righteousness in darkness, God's grace, and repentance hit home, and I had a great conversation with enqin about how God has worked in 2011 to point us to areas where we have not given him Lordship. Supper followed, where we were enlightened by Toshi on matters of BGR, always a topic of great contention.
At this point here, I want to interject with a clip off a Bollywood movie Pyaar Ka Punchnama which I have found highly entertaining. A five minute rant about the truth about women.
Today I watched the movie We Bought A Zoo with joan. And I like it. This is the third movie I've watched in a week. I'm afraid I am spending too much on them. And then dinner was my achievement of the week. Felly's birthday dinner at Don Quijote at Dempsey Hill. Firstly, I must say the food was truly excellent. Secondly, and more importantly, I have discovered that I can now hold my own in a conversation surrounded by 6 ladies, and even be an entertaining participant. To all the skeptics out there, THIS IS PROOF that I am no longer averse to conversations with girls, and if anything, awkward situations are only wrought by their terror of me by first impressions. Therefore, it is not completely my fault if girls are just too intimidated and refuse to make conversation.
I hereby award myself the Ngiam Award Level Two.
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